Something Worth Fixing (July 20th, 2007)

What you are about to read, was written over a year ago. I just stumbled across it, and it made me think. I'm now in reflection and currently analyzing my life and myself, and the things that have and haven't changed since I wrote this. I don't remember the exact details of the conversation that sparked it, but I know who the conversation was with. And considering then and now, it brings a certain song to mind: "Let's See How Far We've Come" - Matchbox 20. That same line is ringing true in my head... "Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come..."


Which only leads me to wonder: If this was written at 5 months, and now it is 2 years, and this same note still seems all to familiar and still rings true, how far will we go? Or have we gone as far as possible and are now in a rut?


Here's the note. You tell me.

Something Worth Fixing...

Some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me and some of the nicest most loving and beautiful things anyone has ever said to me have all seem to come from the mind, heart, and mouth of the one person I care about and love most next to my family.
My mind is just boggled at how someone who's supposed to love you and care about you so much can build you up and break you down so easily.
All I keep thinking is why?....WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????? Why is this happening, and why now and all of a sudden? Have all these feelings of hatred towards me been here all along and he finally can't take it anymore?
Was wanting to call and have conversations and maintain a connection in the distance we have right now so bad? My intentions were good -- to bring us closer -- not drive him away.
Now I find myself going to sleep in tears every night, and waking up with tears every morning, pretending everything is ok with all my friends and roommates, and my family, knowing they all know something is very wrong with me... I'm clearly a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, and anyone who knows me knows this.
All I've ever wanted to do was find someone who fits me, which he does, and love them, take care of them, completely spoil them, do everything for them that they need, and just be there in every possible way they want... I just want to make you happy. And what do I want in return?? All I want is a pure untainted connection... Reciprocated love and affection. I don't want material things, I don't want money, I don't want anything except that real human connection you get between you and the person you love, who is supposed to love you back.
I guess he doesn't understand that. I'm also guessing he doesn't understand that he too wears his heart on his sleeve, so if something is truly bothering him, its obvious...painstakingly obvious.
All I want is realness at this point... Am I seriously smothering you?? If so, I can fix that easily. I told you I could, and I told you that if I'm smothering you, the only reason is that I was just trying to actively keep the relationship going through our current situation... I mean, we've made so many future plans, why do you wanna throw this away all of a sudden? You've been claiming that you love me, so why are you pushing me away? What happened that it seems in just couple days you wanna throw everything we've been through and worked for away? I just want to know what I did, and how I can change it, so we can be happy again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANNA FIX IT? AREN'T WE WORTH FIXING???? Have you not had a good time with me since we started? Have I really just been a horrible girlfriend since I've started dating you? If I could just know what's going on, I'd even feel better. I'm completely in the dark here. If you've met someone, and they're worth throwing away 5 months for, I hope she's amazing and willing to do for you what I am. Just be real. Don't lie, or make up reasons to shut me up, just say what's on your mind. What happened between the few days we spent together and the 2 days I was away from you? Did we not have a good time? I just have so many questions that you're not willing to answer, and I don't understand why you won't answer them, or just tell me straight up what's happening.
Please,...I implore you.... PLEASE, let's fix whatever is wrong. Don't you think it'll be worth it in the end? I do. I truly believe we're worth fixing. I've never invested so much time in someone and my connection with them. Please don't let it go in vain. That would mean your time was wasted too. Don't let it be a waste.

I love you.


All I know is one thing. I'm determined to not be stuck in a rut, and by this same time next summer, it will be different. I'm already taking the necessary precautions to make sure of that.
I believe we are worth fixing.

I just hope it works. I love him too much...

Dimitra